Yes, I’m aware.
Yes. I’m aware I’m writing this at 2:44 a.m.
Yes, I’m aware that someone with a chronic illness has to be sure to get a good night’s sleep.
Yes, I’m aware that the longer I’m up the worse the pain in my legs is getting.
Yes, I’m aware that I am dangling my legs over the side of the bed and kicking them back and forth due to the pain and restless legs and the desire to try to distract my nerves – which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t.
Yes, I’m aware that not getting enough sleep is going to make the pain worse tomorrow.
Yes, I’m aware the Coke I had at dinner tonight was a bad choice.
Yes, I’m aware caffeine and sugar are not the friends of someone with my illnesses.
Yes, I’m aware that I have a lot to do tomorrow.
Yes, I’m aware I’ve caused this to some extent by opting not to take my nighttime meds because I wanted to stay up later than normal. And yes, I’m aware how important it is to take all your medicine as prescribed!
I’m also aware that my husband wasn’t home all day because he had to work 16 hours and I wanted to stay up to see him – which meant skipping meds and drinking caffeine.
I’m also aware that my 3 year old grandson really wanted me to sit on the floor and play a game with him – which meant painful and restless legs.
I’m also aware that those games on the floor are a needed bright spot in the day of someone who’s been stuck in the house for days on end because their body won’t allow them to step foot outside with the current cold temperatures.
I’ve come to learn that people with chronic illness and chronic pain are very keenly aware of how everything affects their body. Usually more than you’ll ever hear us talk about.
I’ve also come to learn that the choices you make with a chronic illness can often feel like you are only making the best decision you can out of multiple bad decision options anyway.
But sometimes you chose things like the taste of a Coke, a late night, or family time – over the knowledge of what it’s about to do to you.
The reason could be that you just want to feel “normal”, like you can eat things other people eat because their bodies haven’t decided to become their arch enemy. It could be that staying awake until someone you love gets home from work is needed as much as sleep. It could also be that enjoying family time together was the day’s biggest priority.
Sometimes I just don’t want my life to be dictated by this disease, syndrome, disorder or whatever you want to call it. Sometimes I want to call the shots.
Being able to call the shots comes with a cost.
Sometimes I just choose the cost.